Is it life, is it me, or is it my family???

Does this really worth? 17 October, 2006

Am I that ungrateful?

I still live with my parents… but I don’t see any sense in doing it as long as the time goes by.
I moved back for loads of reasons, thinking I could make it, I could improve our relationship… but I realise, once again, that’s impossible. They will never change, and I am not going to be their slave nor accept some of their ideas which they intend to impose me nor accept somebody being SO rude* with me.

Now, I am just thinking (once again) when will be the right moment to leave and how I will do it. It’s going to be unpleasant anyway. I’m not sure if I will be completely clear with them yet. Should I express my feelings or better not? I must be careful… but I’m tired of being so careful.

In the meantime, AB tells me that has a lot of work. AB’s going to bring work at home (yes I feel more at home with AB than in my own family house), and says that while being alone is not that bad to fill time with bussiness rather than leisure. I feel worse.

However, I am a bit afraid of another crisis*. It’s not because I am going to be depressed, I think I am a little bit now, it is because I have to experience a lot of presure when these things come up. I am always the guilty, everybody blames me and I have to struggle to carry on, without feeling as they see me.

Regarding the very first point of this post; whether I am ungrateful or not, it means the following: Sometimes I think that I owe so much my parents, my education, the time spent with me, affection… So there it comes the next question: Then, why is this situation taking place? Maybe it is my fault. I promise I do not do it on purpose. do not actually feel any good with all* this. I don’t feel ungrateful, in fact I feel very grateful about a lot if things they’ve done for me. Nonetheless, I don’t feel they have the right to behave as they do just because they are my parents.

* Further explanations will be found in the next post -hopefully-.